Thursday, November 23, 2006

We Shot JFK

Yes, we did it! We're responsible of all the assassinations we're accused of. But I'm not talking only Rafik Al-Hariri, Samir Qassir, George Hawi, Gibran Tueni and recently Pierre Gmayel. Not, those are just odds and ends on our long history of assassinations. Who's we? Why, We, Syrians, who else? We're not on the Axis of Evil for nothing, don't you think? We're not portrayed as terrorists, murderers and bloody buggers for nothing. No, Uncle Sam's CIA is much more smarter than ourselves, us stupid Arab Levantines, renegade by all true Arabs. They're not stupid Islamist Terrorists like ourselves, and they wouldn't go around murdering their own puppets to incriminate their country. Nooo. They are smart. Them and God's People Saudi Arabia! They don't kill Lebanese in the very perfect moment when everybody seemed to be liking and licking their arse. They're SMART, remember? While us, we're STOOPID Syrians, we'll believe everything Fox News'll tell us. We'll cry over the patricidal Mini Harir's crocodile tears. We're STOOPID terrorists, us.
Well, Uncle Sam, you're so eager to find a scapegoat for all these political assassinations made by the Syrianophobes, so I'll lend you a hand to solve today not only those, but all of the world's great assassinations.
In fact, who was Hariri? Some Syrian puppet dilapidator, who had more fraud stuck to his name than Bill Gates himself. Don't you believe he was a Syrian puppet, then why did his bastard Saad Al Saoud assassinate him in the first place? Oh, sorry, yes, it was Syrians that assassinated their puppet, sorry.
But, then again, who was he, in the Big Picture? Nobody. If this world were a movie, Hariri would have been the guy crossing the street in the background. Mind, with no focus on. Now, JFK, for instance, that was real star material. Bad we assassinated him. Oh, and his brother. Because we're Syrians. No other reason is needed these days, obviously. And Saddam, remember the guy? Well, it was us that assassinated his sons.
Hitler, remember him? Megalomaniac and big time anti-Semite? Who said he shot himself? It was we behind the trigger, don't you know? Oh, and the Tsar with his Anastasia. Syrians, no Bolsheviks like those stupid movies want you to believe. Should I mention Saddat and Abdulla the First? No, those are just Arab shit, who cares about them in the first place? But Isaac Rabin... Of course it was Syrians, look behind every crime and you'll find a Syrian, isn't this the LINE these days? Hadn't Syria become synonymous with terrorism? Why ask questions, when it's obvious!
Remember Che Guevara? Yes the astenious maniac revolutionary. Guess who killed him. Oh, and Fidel Castro. What, he's still alive? No problem, we'll manage something for him, and then stick it up the Syrians' arse.
Prince Frantz Ferdinand, it was Syrians who assassinated him in Sarajevo, of course. And their aim was starting the World war, because we're terrorists, what the fuck!
Abe Lincoln, the American Icon and Symbol for freedom. Guess who's fighting freedom everywhere, and you'll surely reach the conclusion it was Syrians who actually did him, poor devil!
Remember Napoleon, the Corsican megalomaniac that claimed himself emperor? You know how they found out he was poisoned, but they're yet to point the criminal. I have good news: it was Syrians.
Jesus, remember him? Son of God and such? How dare anybody blame Romans or Jews for his assasination, when it was obviously undisputedly Syrian Muslim terrorists that did that one!
Julius Caesar? That famous last line reaching us through Shakespeare’s masterpiece is actually "Et tu, Syriae?!"
But what am I rambling about, it's obvious that us Syrians the biggest heap of murderous assassin terrorists from the very beginning of time. Didn't Cain murder his brother Habel in cold blood on Mont Kasiun? It's enough to acknowledge that the first crime of humanity took place near Damascus, and that "Damascus" itself means "the Cave of the Blood", to realize that you've got your nation of scapegoats for every thing to have ever happened in past and future. How easier could it get?
But mind one thing, though: we are assassins; we accept your projection, be it true or false. But we have THE BACKBONE to recognize!